2007 Goals....and my big fat failures

I remember sitting on my bed with Bo on New Years Eve with a mental list of all I wanted to change this year. And I was dead serious this time (unlike all those other times, lol). This was a big year for me, and I wanted to mark it with big changes. I turned 30 in March, and it was a very big deal....to ME. The list was as follows:

1) First and Foremost- Quit Smoking. I have been smoking since I was 15 years old, and this year marked my 15th anniversary. That meant that I had now been a smoker for HALF my life. It makes me want to puke when I say it outloud. I so desperately wanted to quit, and was determined to do it this time.

2) Get back in shape. Now, I am not an extremely unhealthy person, but I definately have some extra baggage these days. I remember when I met Bo, I was about 130lbs, and thought I was HUGE. Man oh man, What I wouldn't GIVE to be that size again. Now, 2 kids and 11 years later, I have added a nice size chunk to that. To the tune of 35 pounds! The thing is, I don't feel like I weigh that much most days, but, that's probably how I managed to let it sneak up on me. So, my goal was to lose atleast 20lbs. I have kicked ass before and gotten down to 145, and I think I would look really good at that weight again.

3) Figure out what I want to DO with my life. Yes, I have already discussed this twice already, so that should tell you how much it weighs on my mind, lol. I KNOW there is something out there that I am destined to be doing, and I just hope I am lucky enough to find it one day (very) soon.

4) And finally, make my marriage better. Fix whatever it is that seems to stay between us all the time. Repair the years of damage done. Old resentments, old arguments, old problems. And really try to put them behind us and move forward. Be those people we were way back then. I know we are in there somewhere, and I am desperate to find them again.

So, those were the big ones. The 4 'make my life better once and for all' changes. And now, the really depressing part. Do you know how many changes I've made from that list???

Big fat ZERO.

Yep, 0.

Here we are in the middle of September and I haven't changed a single thing. Not one thing. I am still smoking, I am still 165lbs, I still haven't found my calling in this life, and I STILL can't seem to fix my marriage. There, I said it. Big fat failure.

So, in addition to the many, many reasons that I had for deciding to start blogging, one of the biggest ones is to hold myself accountable for my actions. Because once you say something outloud, it's almost like it becomes more true than if you had only said it to yourself. So I am putting it all out there to hold myself accountable. I WANT to make these changes, and I have to do it. Because the truth is, I am really not happy with the current state of my life. And I want to be. I really do. But I have to make the changes. I am not the person I thought I would be at 30. I had it all planned out much differently, and I feel sad that I haven't lived up to my own standards...yet. But I'm going to. And that is where this blogs comes in. Everyday, I'm going to put it all out there, and I'm going to keep holding myself accountable. I am going to quit smoking, I am going to lose the weight, I am going to find my dream job, and I am going to fix my marriage. Every goal I set for myself, I am going to put it here, and then I am going to make it happen.

So that next year, when I am sitting there with my mental note of changes, I can smile knowing that I really AM going to change them :-)